How I Know I’m Queer

BiAceEnby Tiger (1)

 Rhiannon @ CrescentMoonReads recently did a great video where they went over their experience as a non-binary person. It was interesting to hear how different our experience is, and some similarities. 

 So I realized that I’m heavily book focused here- and I love books! But it’s also been great to start another blog about my campus queer activity. I want to start integrating more queerness into this blog. 

  So about my queerness- I am not a human, but a tiger in a human body. That’s how I’ve seen myself since I was very young, around 7-9. One of the things that stood out to me was how Rhiannon would picture themself as the night sky, or feel a close connection to Wildcats. Humans put a lot of emphasis on how men and women look different, but most animals don’t. Cats, domesticated and wild, seem very removed from gender, like anything that has to do with humanity. 

 But I would vehemently defend my femininity and straightness for most of my teen years. There was a day in english class in 8th grade when we were supposed to act out a scene from a book where the protagonist was a girl who had to pretend -not very hard- that she was a boy for protection. Being the only AFAB in the group, I was pressured to play her role, but I said it wouldn’t work because “I’m obviously a girl.”

 Some years later, during my freshman year in college, my dormmates were watching the notorious 50 Shades Of Grey. And I felt nothing. I understood nothing. Afterwards, I talked to my friend who spoiled the entire series for me in an attempt to convince me there was a point. To this day, I still believe there is no point.

 I went through a bit of a gay panic, without really realizing it was a gay panic. I had really confusing thoughts and feelings that I attributed to anything but Gay. I thought  ‘we’re BFFs’ or ‘It must be a side effect of depression.’

When the semester was over, I had a lot of time to myself to really think about what was happening to me and did some internetting to find out that I resonated with the ‘biromantic asexual’ label. I’ve had crushes on boys and girls, but the physical side of things never really occurred to me. I then went on a queer reading spree that continues to this day. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx3FhO1h163/

I Wish You All The Best came out in May of 2019 and I was highly anticipating it. I started exploring some nonbinary memes and started to question that maybe this applies to me. I drew triangles of male-female-other and tried to plot out where I felt I belong, and I shifted away from my assigned gender. 

I came to the conclusion that I’m non-binary in the middle of reading I Wish You All The Best, and that’s why it will always be a #1 book for me despite it’s technical flaws. I also encourage you to pick it up because I love it and I’m a book blogger; it’s what I do.

I’ve questioned and explored since then, played with masculinity and the idea of being demi in some way. I don’t think a label will tell you everything there is to know, and it’s so different from person to person that I usually just say I’m queer. I really resonate with asexuality, but I’ve found that telling people tends to bring out a lot of aphobia. There’s three standard types of attraction: romantic, sexual, and aesthetic, and I know I don’t feel one kind of attraction. 

I hope this was in some way, enlightening. If you have any questions about queerness, you can always comment a post idea for this new series, or DM me on twitter.

Published by TanyX Goffy

I am an author, poet, and playwright. My current WIPs are a doppelganger Dark Academia and sad vampires. I blog about YA LGBTQIAP+ books, with the occasional straight person book for diversity. They/them Wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2EVVFTZUX00P0?ref_=wl_share

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