Dear Ben De Backer/ I Wish You All The Best


Dear Ben De Backer,

 I thought about you a lot in the past 3 weeks. There’s a moment that sticks out to me the most, a scene I originally thought was poorly written. You’re crouched on your bedroom floor having a panic attack, and it’s unclear if the things going on outside are real. 

 Even though it wasn’t the most prosaic, I know what that feels like. It”s paralyzing. 

 Honestly, I don’t think people who don’t have anxiety will understand these moments. Like I said, they weren’t written very well. I’m sort of grateful, because I don’t want to get triggered. But I’m also kinda bummed because you’re one of few people who I see myself in.

 I don’t see myself in your personality. You’re obsessed with Nathan and don’t really process the other things in your life. I see myself, I doubt this makes sense, in your mindset. Not your thinking process. Your experience. Your gender.

 It’s how I’ve always thought of boys as being lower than girls. They’re just so unsophisticated, unintelligent. Sure, there’s plenty of smart boys. But even the smartest boys don’t have the clarity girls do.

  Being non-binary is a different type of clarity. You helped me realize that. I might be closer to a girl than a boy, but that doesn’t make me a girl. It doesn’t make you a boy.  It makes us enby. 

 I really want to say thank you. You’re the first character to make me go “Yes, I am like this.” When I was in your head, I didn’t have to put up with “I’m not like other girls” where I could see this aura of girl-ness. I didn’t have to put up with a gross boy. I didn’t have to put up with any resistance because for once, this is someone like me.

Published by TanyX Goffy

I am an author, poet, and playwright. My current WIPs are a doppelganger Dark Academia and sad vampires. I blog about YA LGBTQIAP+ books, with the occasional straight person book for diversity. They/them Wishlist:

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