Heartbreak And Mental Illness

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 Unfortunately, I’ve yet to read a book titled “Heartbreak And Mental Illness.” This is more of a mental health check-in inspired by the posts I’ve seen on Mental Health Awareness Month.

 How do you know if you’re really sick if your life is crap? If you’ve been homeless for months, you haven’t seen your family, and the girl you loved stopped calling?

 I have no clue. 

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 If all of my problems were solved, would I be happy? If I had a decent place to live, had my cat and dog with me, and reached an amicable peace with her?  

I don’t think so. I would be under less stress. I would be stable. I could have the life I want, or something close to it. 

But I’ll still have panic attacks. I’ll still have days when I don’t want to get out of bed. I did, when I had all of those things. 

It sucks that I might always have these problems. Hopefully I can get enough help to go to work and school- my therapist referred me to someone who’ll prescribe antidepressants. I’m not sure why it took so long. I hope they work, I want them to work. But I don’t believe they will.

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I’ll try to do an update once I’ve had the pills and they kick in. But what I’m like now:

 I don’t care. I don’t want to do anything but sleep. I walked for an hour in the rain in a strange neighborhood, oblivious. I had directions on my phone, and was surprised at how I’d look every couple of seconds, and minutes would be gone. I’m not sure if it was because I’m a fast walker or I couldn’t judge the time at all.

I don’t feel immersed in the books I’m reading. I’m reading Once And Future, the queer retelling of Arthur. I like it, I guess. I might even love it. It’s a good book. But they’re happy. It has a happy vibe, comedic. And I can’t feel it. 

I want to feel it.

I guess, if you’re struggling yourself, I want to let you know that you’re not alone. Even if you don’t think you’re sick, but your under stress that makes you miserable, It’s ok to be miserable. 

I’m also tired and don’t want to write about books or whatever when I’m like this. I want to be honest. I can’t be BOOKSBOOKSGOTSUPERWHOLOCKBOOKS all the time.

Love, Tanya

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Published by TanyX Goffy

I am an author, poet, and playwright. My current WIPs are a doppelganger Dark Academia and sad vampires. I blog about YA LGBTQIAP+ books, with the occasional straight person book for diversity. They/them Wishlist: https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2EVVFTZUX00P0?ref_=wl_share

5 thoughts on “Heartbreak And Mental Illness

  1. Awww you make my heart sore Brittany. I do agree that being happy isn’t about a place or people or things or even dogs and cats (though they can help!) It’s about an internal love you have for yourself. And you deserve that love!! I hope the pills help. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I had exactly the same, felt like my reading took a big hit- I would dnf everything and rarely finish a book, which depressed me even more. My concentration went away too, so it was even harder for reading – but with work, it did came back !
    No worries, what you describe is typical of that mental illness- that numb feeling and not enjoying what you used to, it sure is a real pain !

    I do hope the pills work for you! But also I want to tell you that theres plenty out there, so it may take a while to find what suit you best, but surely something can work ! Please take care of yourself, yes you deserve it xx

    Liked by 1 person

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